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It never fails. I've given up all my worldly possessions, traveled halfway around the world, and cut all ties to civilization, but at some point I'm going to get some annoying neighbors. It's happened once, and it will happen again. So what will ensue when Tom Hanks and his crazy volleyball take up residence on the nearest available piece of real estate? I'll bomb the crap out of them, that's what. Before they arrive, I'm planning my tactics with the help of the arcade game Island Wars. Now all I need to do is figure out how to get the fuel for my biplane...
You wouldn't believe how boring it gets all alone. "No phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury," you know? It's those quiet hours of the day when I'm digging those damnable fire ants out of my mangy beard that I stop and wonder what my good friend Jimmy is doing. That's when I fire up Skype, the free P2P tool that lets you make phone calls from anywhere in the world. Long-distance charges from way out here can be a drag! "Hey, man, whatcha doing? ... Oh yeah? What kind of sandwich? ... Really? Mustard? Wow. ... Hey, I hear you, but I'm on this deserted island. Do you think you could send help?" I'm still waiting, Jimmy.
My personal hygiene has seriously deteriorated in the time I've been trapped on this godforsaken isle. Luckily, I broke my nose climbing a coconut tree the other day, so I'm unable to smell. Although my civilized appearance and demeanor both are long gone, I'll never, ever let my digital-music files languish with Unknown Artist and Unknown Album in their ID3 tags. MediaMonkey might not mix tasty mint juleps like my imaginary monkey butler, Chester, but it does keep all my music organized and easily accessible. You should see Chester do the robot when I crank up the Kraftwerk!
Let no one ever say I am immune to the sweet charms of Lady Irony. As a recluse trapped in a confined environment, I can already tell I'm going insane. As my mind slowly descends into madness, I'll be sure to keep playing MDickie's excellent survival sim Wrecked, which lets me explore a virtual island replete with wild animals and hostile natives. (I have none of said cohabitants. Only coconuts and ants. Oh god, the ants!) My real and virtual lives soon will blend seamlessly in my delusional state. I am the spear!
Now that I've completely lost my grip on reality and begun to write the story of the tiny alien creatures that have recently moved into my eyebrows, I'm determined to go the distance and complete my Time Cube-esque epic for future generations to appreciate. To finish my grand opus, however, I need to avoid the repetitive-stress injuries that come with marathon writing sessions and poor sitting posture (not to mention horrible lumbar support). Enter Break Reminder, an incorruptible dispenser of timed rest suggestions. I stretch when it tells me to, and all is wonderful in my psychotic fantasy. Except for these damn ants!
Before seeing the light of truth by way of intergalactic travelers, Peter Butler produced the Download.com Games channel.
Episode five: Mark Sikes, Tropical Content Monkey | Back to intro
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